What’s with the cryptic facebook status?

Enlighten us. Fill us in. Give us the scoop, the lowdown, the dirt and the muck. What the hell were you just blathering about in that cryptic-ass facebook status?

Are happy? Are you depressed? Are you horny? Are you high? Really, it’s anyone’s guess. “So-and-so is…” are three dots really supposed to express yourself to your friends and family? Do we need to get the “real you” to get past the disjointed poetry, the typos, and the inability to use nouns?

All right. I get it. You’re deep. Special even. You have me completely enthralled with your non sequiturs. Now what am I supposed to do? Facebook messages often go unheeded because the reply box is aaaallll the way down at the bottom of the message. Should I phone you? Not a possibility. Your personal info was deemed much too precious to be molested by the rabble on the Internet.

Facebook has the potential to be the greatest gossip rag in the history of all communication. Tabloid celebrities are only a bland substitute for the people we are really obsessed with- each other.

Each one of us has a basic need to relate to the people we actually have a chance of meeting face to face. We want to praise the highs, console the lows, and occasionally engage in a bit of recreational schadenfreude. When we click “yes” on that friend request we not only agree to abide by the site’s terms of service, we pick up an obligation to relate to that person, as well as make some goddamn sense.