No, I will not untick that thing in your Facebook profile.

Since the new facebook layout took hold, the sky has fallen, terrorists have invaded, stock markets have crashed, and I have started to see statuses like these:

Dear all, Please do me a favor and move your mouse over my name here, wait for the box to load and then move your mouse over the “Subscribe” link. Then uncheck the yada yada yada, Mark Zuckerberg’s molesting my precious data-bits, kthxbye


Tell me this. When did we all become such info-snowflakes?

What is it about our lives that is so special, so precious, so secret on facebook that if it was ever “made public” we would be locked up in the bowels of the Ministry of Love for re-education?

And why are you going on Facebook to be private anyway? Most facebook users have at least 150 friends. If goes out on your status, chances is are it’s not a secret anymore.

Most of this controversy is over the news ticker on the right hand side of the facebook screen. It gives a real time view of what comments and likes your friends are making on the site. People are worried about this because their movements on the site can be tracked.

First, I have not done this thing. For anybody. If I do it for one, then I have to do it another 325 times. My time is more valuable than that.

Second, that ticker is made of data that has always been collected on Facebook. Ever since you first logged on. Why are we getting excited because the data is now organized in a usable fashion? That’s computers do!

Do want to know who’s following your movements on that ticker? Me. Yes, me. And it’s a good thing to, because if I want to know what you’re doing at any given time, that means you have a social life. Honestly, if you have something to tell that you don’t want posted on the New York Times, ring me up and I’ll take you out for coffee. We can share your gossip, have a laugh, and who knows, I might even be able to make you some money. I’ve been making all my income for the past two years this way and I can’t tell you how many cogs in our economic machine have ground to a halt because people in BC just don’t know how to pick up the dang telephone.